After I posted about our struggles with Maggie’s sleep, someone suggested I join the Respectful Sleep Training/Learning Facebook group. I was hesitant to do this and put off posting after I was accepted into the group. I only received a response from one person, and after asking a few questions she definitively stated “She has an eat/sleep association.”

This wasn’t the answer I was looking for. I didn’t think this was her issue as she hadn’t really wanted to nurse at night the previous few nights. I also didn’t want to hear this because Lily had very clearly had this problem, and we weren’t able to push through it. If I hadn’t been going out to dinner a few days later and missing bedtime, we probably wouldn’t have considered trying to push her last feed until 30 minutes before bedtime like the poster suggested. But I was, and I asked Ryan to give her her bottle in the living room with the light on before bringing her up to her room for stories and then bed.

“How did it go?” I asked when I got home. “She drank 6oz,” he said. 6oz. There is no way I could ever produce 6oz. She then proceeded to sleep through the night. Of course I didn’t because I was sick after not sleeping for a week, but we’ll get there.

DMFeeling strong after a good night’s sleep.That was Friday. We’ve followed the same routine since then (so 3 more nights). She wakes once between 1am-3am for her pacifier, and then once around 5am to nurse. She’s had a 5+ oz bottle each night, which again is more than I can produce.

I’ve considered trying to nurse her downstairs but this is problematic because she gets so distracted. And I think getting more milk from a bottle is really helping her sleep through. This means I only get to nurse her once a day except on weekends, which makes me so sad. This also means I have to pump more often and we have to supplement with formula. What I think I’ll try is nursing her in her room with the light on, and then going back downstairs to finish up with a formula bottle while we hang out with Lily. After both girls are in bed, I can pump again. But my supply is already dwindling after just a few days. For someone who breastfed for 26 months the first go around and wants to soak in every snuggle with a baby I only see a few hours a day, this is heartbreaking.

Like I’ve said before, I don’t have anything against formula. I use it! But I use it because pumping isn’t working out. Pumping isn’t working out because at 13 weeks postpartum I went back to work. And I went back to work because the United States has maternity leave policies similar to those of developing nations. Everyone knows this, and everyone knows the benefits of paid maternity leave (and subsidized childcare to help ensure women re-enter the work force), so why isn’t anything being done? Oh, I know, 12 weeks paid leave by 2021 blah blah blah. It’s embarrassing that anyone is “proud” that policy makers are taking this step. So yes, I’m angry and frustrated that I have to give my baby formula, but not because I think formula is bad or unhealthy. I’m angry because I have no choice in this matter.

I recently read this article, which articulated my frustration about things like being forced to go back to work so soon and how we aren’t paid for pump breaks, and opened my eyes to some concerns I had never considered before, like the deliberate decision not to mention breastfeeding in NYC’s Latch-on campaign. I feel like there’s nothing we can do except complain, because the dial is only moving in 2-week increments and that’s in NY which op have the most progressive family leave policies in the country when they’re enacted. So here I am complaining and feeling frustrated, and I’ll continue complaining and feeling frustrated. But at least I’ll be getting some sleep.

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